it's been six years

and i used to think that I'd remember every moment with him
and every moment after i found out
i used to think that I'd remember everything about him

tonight as i put the kids to bed, a song came on.
it was a song he loved that i didn't
and i used to tease him about liking such a sappy song
but now, six years later, after hearing that song,
all i could do was think of him.

i forgot, for a moment, how he looked and how he sounded.
as i sat in the room with my babies beside me,
i remembered him and
how mad at him i still am.
how much i loathe him
how much i am changed because of him
how much i miss him

six years ago he killed himself
i remember i was on my way back to LA after a weekend in SB
i was in the car with Ruben and we were on our way to get gas for my car
his sister called me to tell me the news

she wasn't supposed to call me
the family wanted to wait until i got back to LA before they told me
they didn't want me to drive down all emotional

i remember asking her over and over again if it was true
that this was not a funny joke
that i had just spoken with him

how could he be gone?

life was still
eerie
and still

Ruben drove me down to LA
it's all a blur after that
i went to his apartment
but they had taken his body away
they had shut the doors to his room
we all sat in the living room as though it was all a bad dream and
that we would wake up

but it was all real
so very real

that next week was chaos
we couldn't get his body to send to the funeral home
they had to do an autopsy
they had a letter
a suicide letter

i still have a copy of that letter, somewhere

once they released him, we spent days "living" at forest lawn
for 12 hours a day we stayed and waited.
we had prayers every night - long ones that lasted an hour
we had people coming in to give their final condolences

we couldn't bury him right away.
it was raining too hard
so we waited some more

finally, two weeks later he was laid to rest

in the time between finding out and saying that final goodbye,
i felt every emotion possible

rage
anger
confusion
doubt
denial
sadness
helplessness
i try not to think of him

i found out that this was his second suicide attempt
i found out that his girlfriend had put him in deep debt
and that she was there the first time he tried it
and didn't tell the family about it

i found out that he never intended to join the military
i found out that his sadness overcame him
i found out that in the midst of our large family that he felt alone and lost
i found out that he would never come back

gone were our endless phone calls
gone were our fun nights of happy hour
gone was the possibility that he would be around to see me get married
and meet my kids and just be a part of my life
gone were our cousin adventures
gone was the possibility that i could help him

it hurts to much
and when i do think of him,
i still think he's an a-hole for taking the loser's way out
i hate him for not knowing that he could come to me
i loathe him
and love him all at the same time

i remember having to do his eulogy at his funeral - what fun that was!
i wanted to say, "you SOB why did you do this?!"
but since there was family around
i decided against it

six years later, i still wonder why
six years later, it hurts like it was yesterday
six years later, i still hate that sappy song that started all of this